Thursday, September 17, 2009

Jumped off the wagon

I didn't just fall off the wagon last night, I jumped off. It was bad.

I was hungry all day and even though I drank tons of water and ate when I was hungry (healthy snacks with protein and fiber) I was still hungry afterwards. I kept thinking I was bored and I didn't really feel stressed, so I figured it couldn't be emotional hunger.

My husband came home and suggested we head to Chevy's. Now, I know Chevy's is a weakness for me, with the endless chips/salsa, the delicious margaritas, the build your own shrimp fajitas. We used to go there a lot over the past few years until we realized how much $ we were spending on eating out, and what it was doing to our waistlines. It sounded delicious though and I've never left there feeling hungry so I knew it would solve my endless tummy problem.

We get there and I go right for the chips. I let myself, I didn't even try to hold myself back. I order water, but then notice that they have my favorite mango margaritas as their seasonal special so we get one of those to split. I get the shrimp fajita like the good old days and savor every bite. It was goooooood. Calories counting has been out the window from the first salty warm chip. I didn't finish everything on my plate because I felt stuffed. I haven't felt stuffed like that in a long time and really it's not a great feeling at all, although I liked not feeling hungry anymore.

Did I stop there? You'd think, but you'd be wrong.

We had to stop into Target and the candy section pulled me over. Can we get licorice, I asked my husband, part of me hoping he'd say no. They only had a giant bag and he tried to convince me that maybe I wanted to get the tiny bag of red swedish fish instead. No way, I could taste the red vines already, there was no stopping me now. I ripped into the bag in the car and ate away, even though I was full. Now, I recognized that I was emotionally eating, but it didn't stop me. I had some more licorice once we got home and finally put the bag away.

Then it hit, the feeling of being so upset with myself for giving in to emotional eating. Looking back and realizing I have been dealing with it all day and I totally gave in at dinner and with my licorice frenzy. My tummy hurt, I was mad at myself, I was not fun to be around. Why do I do this? It is so frusterating and I feel like I'm sabotaging myself. I am sabotaging myself. I have been so good with not giving in to emotional eating, and I've come so far, but this is not going to help me at all. I keep thinking that I'm under a lot of stress and in the next few months everything will clear up and this will be a lot easier, but I know that this is something I need to overcome for good. I think I'll head to the library to pick up some books on emotional eating so I can work toward kicking this thing to the curb for good.

Today is a new day, I got in a walk with the dog this morning and I did C25K week 2 (most of it at least) and ran up and down some bleachers a few times. I feel good, I just wish every day could be like this, and days like yesterday wouldn't exist. I worry that I feel so much better today because of what happened yesterday, because I got out all of my frustrations and got mad at myself. I don't want to have to go through a big emotional eating blowout every time to feel cleansed and ready for a fresh start. This is definitely something I still need to work on.